Wanting What Doesn't Want You.

The clarity (& vulnerability) of closed doors.

Sometimes, the stars align. That person you just happen to know puts in a good word, and on a random Tuesday in February you find yourself interviewing for the dream job. Everyone around you confirms, “you were made for this” and you know deep in your gut that they are right. People who have no idea you are interviewing for the role post things on social media, jokingly campaigning for you to be in the position. It seems that everywhere you turn signs abound—this is your path. God must be in this.

Then, on a random Tuesday in April—when the stars apparently struggle to get their shit together— you receive the news. The job you were clearly made for will not be yours.

Door Closed.¹

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I recently finished Tracey Gee’s The Magic of Knowing What You Want: A Practical Guide to Unearthing the Wisdom of Your Desires. I’m all about resources that help identify and explore desires—especially in this season where I find myself asking some mid-life size questions. The book offered wisdom on exploring longing and categorizing the questions that rise up as we move toward what we want. But there was something at the end of the book that I both loved and r-e-s-i-s-t-e-d.

“If what you want actually wants you back, the opportunities that are meant for you will find you.” - Tracey Gee

If only the second part of the quote existed I would probably cross stitch and frame it. Instead, the word “actually” taunts me like a middle school mean girl, and “wants you back” exposes and sends the most tender parts of me into hiding.

Isn’t it already vulnerable enough to admit and pursue desire? Are you saying I might work through the complicated messaging attached to being a woman, desire, and whether or not it’s actually okay to name and pursue it, only to ultimately not be wanted back?

Sheesh.

Two weeks after finishing the book I received my closed door.

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So do I throw the desire out?

As a vocational coach with over a decade of experience and thousands of hours guiding individuals in discerning their God-given design, my answer is an unequivocal:

no.

However, as the individual having this very vulnerable experience, I’ve needed a minute to get there. Before I could remind myself of my own professional insight, I’ve needed to access another part of me. I call her Mother-Me. She is my nurturing adult part—existing at the mysterious intersection of Self and the Divine in me—whose presence and voice I’ve worked hard to cultivate over the years.

In Permission to Matter: Reclaiming Women’s Humanity & Authority at the Invitation of Jesus, I speak to a woman’s need to identify the important parts of who she is,² and develop an inner dialogue that is led by this nurturing adult part:

The Nurturing Mother is every feminine picture of God in how she relates to our Wild Child, Wounded Child, and False Self. She is a midwife, gently coaching and assisting us as we bring forth new life (Isa. 66:9; Ps. 22:9-10). She is like Shekinah, fully present and leading us forth in our wilderness journey (Exod. 40). She is like a mother bear with her cubs, fiercely protective (Hos. 13:8). She is like a nursing mother, intimately connected to her child’s needs, and bringing nourishment. Her children are never forgotten. (Isa. 49:15). She is like a mother eagle hovering over her young and spreading her wings to catch and carry them (Deut. 32:11-12).

I have come to affectionately call this developing part of myself “Mother-Me.” In my living and my praying, I daily allow her voice to become central. Her tone, her nuance, her confidence. She is my hand that rests on my chest when I feel anxiety well up. She is the reminder to take a deep breath. She is the one who chooses to look for and receive the loving face of Mother God. She is the wisdom-seeker, the gratitude-gatherer, the presence-offerer. Deeply grounded in the Ground of Being, she is me at my best reflecting the fullness of God.

Rather than tell me what to do, Mother Me reminds me of who I am.

I am loved. I am good. I am the holder of my own authority and agency. And my desires are a reflection of my God-given design.

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Reminded of who I am, things begin to come into focus. What at first felt like drowning in a murky pool of vulnerability is now slowly clearing up. I can see that there’s a difference between my desire and the container through which I pursue it.

     There is what I want.

     And there are the roles that invite me to live it out.

Not every role will be mine. Not every role should be mine. Not every role will welcome my exactly human-sized self. And this is grace.

“If you believe that what you want actually wants you back, rejection is protection.” -Tracey Gee

Ah. Here’s the quote you’ll find cross stitched and framed next time you come over.

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“Each time a door closes, the rest of the world opens up. All we need to do is stop pounding on the door that just closed, turn around—and welcome the largeness of life that now lies open to our soul.”

― Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation

I’m still sad about not getting the role, in case you are wondering. I’m not trying to suppress or ignore this reality. Instead, Mother Me invites me to allow sadness to be my gentle companion as I collect the insights about who I am.

As I examine my desire and what made this role so appealing, I’m being reminded of some very important parts of my unique design:

• I'm a pastor/guide at heart and long to lead and shepherd people.

• I love a challenge, and am designed to pioneer and create.

• I’m designed to be part of something that feels like it’s going after something audacious.

• I’m deeply passionate about women being taken seriously in the world.

Instead of pounding on the closed door, I simply collect and tuck these truths into my travel bag, turn around, and welcome what might open up to me.

I do trust that the opportunities that are meant for me will find me, and that what I want actually wants me back.

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“Ultimately, calling is not about a specific role, but rather a unique style of being in the world. It’s the one-of-a-kind way we respond to the voice of the Caller with the dance of our lives.” - from Permission to Matter

Life is so tender, isn't it? My sincere prayer is that we would give ourselves permission to know and unabashedly offer the unique dance of our lives, even (and especially) after doors close.

Love to you, Bekah

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Spain in September

There is still space (3 spots) for Fully Awake: An Immersive Learning Experience for Women. Consider joining Cari Jenkins and I for this beautiful time in the coastal town of Altea, Spain.

Girl Stand Up is full

This year—before I was even able to open up registration to the general public—the group filled up. And, I already have people one next year’s waitlist. So, if you are in Denver and interested in future Girl Stand Up cohorts, I recommend you get your name on the waitlist.

1. Yes, this story is my own. Any guesses on the job?

2. In my book (and here) the parts framework I use is borrowed from the work of depth psychologist Bill Potkin Ph.D., found in his book Soul Craft: Crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche.